thursday, october 23

this time last year i was harboring a secret.  the best secret ever.  i was with child.  i was nervous.  i was giddy.  i couldn't wait to shout it from the roof tops.  but in the meantime, i had a secret and i loved it. 

jastin was out of town when i took "the test."  not being very familiar with the test, i immediately threw it in the trash when the control line came up.  i figured that if i was indeed pregnant the important line would show up at the same time.  no line…no baby.  later that day i was in the bathroom and my eyes passed by the trash can…double take.  "is that what i think it is…no way."  i did what most women do, took out another test just to make sure.  it was faint, but it was there; my secret, our baby.

for 48 hours i had this glorious secret all to myself.  i wanted to wait until jastin was home before i shared the news with him.  i went to the store with the bullseye and bought a onesie to wrap up and give to him when he was home.  when jastin saw the onesie he looked at me with utter joy.  tears filled his eyes.  i knew i had married the perfect man.  WE now had a secret.  

we had so much fun with the romantic ideas of being first time parents.  our baby (of which we were convinced was a boy) would travel with us.  he would go on our trip to italy we were planning (in 2010).  he would play sports and be the smartest in his class.  he would live both a life in the country and a life in the city.  right or wrong, we still enjoy conjuring up romantic ideas of how life will be for us in the future.  it is fun.  

i have to be 100% honest and say that i truly felt i was ready to be a mother and i still feel that way even though there was quite a bit of the past year that was unnatural given the circumstances.  what i had not prepared myself for was being pregnant.  i struggled with the fact that my pregnancy was not going to be a magical experience, the fact that i wouldd not gain the perfect amount of weight, the fact that my skin would not be glowing, the fact that i would not escape morning sickness and the most scary fact that things can go wrong during pregnancy.  for these, i simply did not prepare.  


because i felt completely unprepared about what my body was going through both physically and emotionally i was not overly eager to document the transition through pictures.  in fact, this is the only picture i have of me and adali (clearly we were wrong about the whole boy thing) while i was pregnant and not yet in the hospital.  it was taken about 2-3 weeks before she would grace (pun completely intended) us with her presence.  it's a random picture but i am glad i have something.  

even though i was not prepared, i still enjoyed the things that mattered.  i enjoyed the butterfly kisses (when she would kick) she gave me.  i enjoyed learning each wednesday whether she was the size of a shrimp or the size of a banana, when she opened her eyes and most importantly when she was "viable" given her gestational age.  i enjoyed picking out her name, i enjoyed giving her life even if it meant i had to struggle in order to do it.

i can say with a bit of certainty that because my pregnancy was not the picture of perfection that it was easier for me to deal with reality when countless doctor's told us she was better off outside of me than inside of me.  we had dealt with the harshness of scary possibilities early on in my pregnancy and we were ready to face it again.  but before we did so, jastin's mom wanted to take one last picture of me giving my baby life.  having caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror earlier that day (and michelle making me blatantly aware of the freakish size of my legs by snapping pictures of them like i was a circus sideshow…i still love you michelle), i fought her on it.  at that moment i was ok not having something permanent to remember my pregnancy by.  now, i am forever grateful for the picture and would be sad not to have it.

Jastin and adeli 

i am proud to have given her life as long as i could and i am even more proud she fought so hard to continue on her journey.  my hope is that i can continue to heal wounds of past so that i can once again harbor the best secret ever.

thanks ~ i am overwhelmingly thankful for all of the wonderful support i received through your comments on my feelings regarding vaccines.  the blog received a huge surge in hits based on searches for vaccines.  my hope is that i could help another mother (even if only one) make a tough decision for what is best for her child.  if i did, it was all worth it.  angela, i DO respect your courage to return to the blog and read my thoughts even if they may not be the same as yours. 

One Comment ( Reply )

  1. Michelle says:

    Whoa, Whoa, Whoa…Gotta say, your sausage toes were what i was taking pictures of. You’re normally a very tiny little girl (I always joked with Justin that I could fit you in my pocket) so when your poor toes swelled up it was crazy! But those are sausge toes of strength and courage – that was a momentus day, the day I took that picture. And those red painted toes were beautiful baby birthing toes! Trust me, in 4-5 more months i’ll have the “beautiful baby birthing” toes…happened with Addi (blew up in the last couple weeks of my pregnancy) and I’m certian it will happen will this baby. But look! Your toes are all back to normal and you have a beautiful, smart, all be it LOUD baby girl!! :)

    The baby belly picture of Jastin and your belly is beautiful and almost brings tears to my eyes remembering that day…I wasn’t the one going through what you (and your poor MOM & the rest of your family) were but I sure was scared like them. Seeing Jastin in his scrubs come down the hall saying “Jamie and Adali are okay” I cried. Now 7 months later – We should celebrate your sausage toes because they mean a lot to me! Go in with sausage toes and come out with little baby Adali.

    This was a great blog Jamie – love the pictures (all 2 of them). I’ll send you sausage toes if you’d like!! :) Stick those puppies on this blog.


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