monday, august 31

last week i was sent this article in the ny times and read it a day later with great hesitation.  i will now wait for all you to go read it…go on…i'm waiting.  

i have started this post 3 separate times since reading the article and have yet to post it.  i struggle with how much to share wanting to possibly help others and how much of what i am going through to keep private.

maybe if i share, it will help heal while possibly letting others that happen onto the blog know they are not alone…just maybe.  but, is maybe enough?

know that tears flowed as i read.  i was both saddened and relieved after reading it.  the relief came in seeing that i am not alone in my experience and that i am normal in having to face daily challenges leftover from our time in the nicu.  the sadness came for the same realization that the feeling of relief did.  i am not alone.  so many parents have to go through this.  yes, it's been 15 months since we left the nicu and i have a happy, healthy daughter, but please know that many (including myself) still suffer…  

** guilt that your daughter is doing so well and many babies will not

** embarrassed that you can't "just get over it" because your daughter is doing well

** fear to enjoy this happiness because one day the other shoe will drop and you won't be as lucky as you thought.  does the rollercoaster of the nicu ever stop?

** shame that you are not strong enough to handle the curve balls life tends to throw at all of us

** regret for mistakes made along the way

** embarrassed to realize that you can't "heal" alone

** pissed off!

periods of time lost.  where they went, i have no idea.  sleepless night.  nightmares.  every day smells, noises and looks that paralyze you…send you lunging back in time.

enough said.  the rest is best left private.

as you read the article just say a little prayer for those that are still struggling that they might find peace one day.

finally, please know that my determination in this post was not a "one and done" moment.  i am still as determined as ever to help end prematurity for good.  once i have accomplished this, then maybe i too can heal.  

Preemie collage

much love,

mama a

4 Comments ( Reply )

  1. sweeney says:

    amen, sister. amen.

    know that you should never feel ashamed, embaressed or guilty. fear is normal (obviously) after what you’ve gone through. and regret for what? adali is happy and healthy. you can’t go back in time and change what you regret anyways. learn from the mistakes, don’t regret them. these periods of time lost that you talk about…think about all the time that you are blessed with, now that she is happy and healthy. those are the periods of time you should be focused on.

    i (and no one else) can’t and should never fault you for the way you feel. you’ve been through hell and back…however, luckily you brought home an angel back with you!

    you, my friend, are one blessed (and lucky) duck! you’ve got the world on a string…sitting on a rainbow :)

    xoxo
    sweeneys

  2. Jamie, kudos to you for having the guts to write about all of this. Having never been through it myself, I think you’re doing a huge favor to people like me who might need to support a friend or family member through something like this.

  3. Sara T says:

    Jamie – I agree 100% with Nicole’s comment!

  4. Sonya says:

    Jamie, I couldn’t have said it better than how Nicole put it. I admire you for being able to write about everything. Thanks for sharing, and helping me help someone else in the future.

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