monday, april 11

Merrygoround

i have always struggled at times with the line of what to share and what not to share on this blog.   while adali was in the nicu, and for awhile after, the blog was written from her perspective to simply keep friends and family updated on how she was doing.  because of that, it was easy for me to not inject my emotions into it.  looking back this was 100% a defense mechanism.  if i didn’t write that I was afraid that she might actually die before i would be back at the hospital the next day, then maybe i wasn’t really afraid of it happening.  ya know…that fear was simply a figment of my imagination.  riiighhht. 

and then i slowly started to read other people’s blogs and even found myself searching /researching other blogs for answers to what might be a particular struggle we were going through at a given time.  that is when i started to see the overwhelming sense of community in an online world that still seemed a bit foreign to me.   people cared about our daughter without having ever met her, people all over the world were praying for her.  that, quite simply, astounded me.  and we were willing to take prayers however we could get them, even if that meant sharing an otherwise private struggle with, well, the world. 

i also learned that sharing a complicated and seemingly emotionally heavy journey can be very cathartic and ultimately can be used as a sense of healing. 

it is because of what i have learned from writing this blog that i am choosing to share our latest struggle with you.

in·fer·til·i·ty

one word i never thought i would become so very intimate with.  but that is where we currently find ourselves.  wading through the prickly terrain of fertility monitors, timed this, planned that, ultrasounds, procedures, hormones and even a miscarriage. 

please know that i don’t share any of this lightly.  i know there will be people who judge me for sharing this so publicly.  but let’s be honest, i haven’t cared what people say behind my back for some time now, why would I start now. i also realize that there are people reading this thinking, “i can’t believe you didn’t tell me.”  or, “you lied to me when you told me that you weren’t trying.”  you’re right,  i have lied to some of you.  for that, i am very sorry, but i didn’t know what else to say.  whether I felt caught off guard or simply didn’t want to see the look on your face when i told you we were struggling, i don’t know the exact reason but i simply couldn’t share it just yet. 

as we become more entrenched in this, i struggle with why so many women don’t share fertility difficulties more.  is it shame?  i have certainly gone through that stage, trust me.  but am I any less of a woman because i miscarried or can’t get pregnant easily?  there seems to be this stigma against talking about it.  i knew of very few women that might feel the same way i did at that time of my miscarriage but knowing the statistics i figured i was surrounded by so many that had dealt with the same feelings.  i guess i feel that by sharing, i will not only feel a sense of relief about my own situation, but just maybe i can make someone else feel less alone in their struggles. 

so, that’s what we’ve been up to lately.  fun? no (jastin might disagree), but please don’t feel sorry for us.  We are still living life and enjoying what we do have.  and what we do have may turn out to be more of a miracle than we ever thought before.

i have learned that nothing should be taken for granted.  the second you think it is, god quickly shows you otherwise. 

much love,

mama a

 

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